Therapy as Unlearning
When we were children, the whole world was a classroom.
Stumbling around as toddlers, we learned “if I touch that hot thing, it will hurt” and “this feeling in my tummy means that I need food”. These were direct observations of how our body responds to the world and they were crucial for us to learn. But unfortunately we also learn things through early experience that aren’t true in the same way; things that can range from being unhelpful, to being deeply distressing. Think “if I cry I will be ridiculed” or “if I voice an opinion, I will be punished”. These lessons can become as deeply etched as all others.
Experiential learning like this happens on such a deep level that the lessons learned often become deep-seated beliefs about ourselves, and they manifest in our lives in ways we are perhaps unaware of. They become so deeply held that they become “just the way I am” or “just the way the world works”, and we often unconsciously seek out experiences to support our beliefs. An example of this could be repeatedly finding ourselves in abusive relationships because it seems like that is simply how life should be.
The learning doesn’t stop when we become adults though. The experience of struggling at work can teach “I am deeply incompetent”. An unhealthy relationship might teach “I am unlovable”. Experiences of abuse or trauma are particularly impactful learnings, teaching us “I am worthless” and “the world is an unsafe and unkind place”.
These beliefs can range from being deeply traumatic and distressing, to simply preventing us from living the full life we deserve. They become so fixed that they shape our thoughts, behaviours and experience of life.
My experience of therapy both as client and as therapist, has been a process of unlearning. One of the first milestones of therapy is often the recognition of some of the beliefs we are holding; the realisation that how we view the world and ourselves, is not based on fact, but is our perception, which is heavily influenced by the experiences we have lived through. We might arrive in therapy with a vague sense of unease, or battling with depression or anxiety and not fully understanding why, or feeling that there is something innately wrong with us. A relationship with a therapist who has the skills and desire to really listen, and to reflect our experiences back to us, can help the deep-seated lessons we have learned to rise to the surface and become clear. This can often be a shock, but also a relief. There is a sense that now we know, we can change.
Therapist and client can look at these beliefs together, with curiosity and compassion, to understand how they were learned, and importantly, how perhaps they were at one time necessary to keep us safe. This enables us to see that these beliefs are not simply how things are, that they do not represent truth, but rather that they are an understandable result of what we have experienced. It also helps us to develop understanding and compassion for ourselves and the experiences we have lived through. We can then become empowered to begin to let these beliefs go, and engage with the world with greater awareness and self-compassion. We can open ourselves to new experiences.
The lessons we learn about ourselves and the beliefs we develop in response to them, come together to form what we call in the therapy world, our self-concept. When we can begin to be curious about the self-concept that has been moulded by our experience, we come closer to living as our authentic selves, experiencing life moment to moment, instead of being weighed down by the lessons we learned in the past.
